If I were being altogether honest , and I ’m usually not , I would intromit that I have an almost maniacally caricatured impulse to over - plant . Collector ’s mentality run amok . Garden design joyfully not ground in reality . Which basically defines most garden I ’ve seen and 99 % of the gnome conifer collections I ’ve been to . Yeah , sure , they mature an column inch a year , but give them too fiddling blank space and too many class , and , boom , a red red-hot mess of unripened and yellowish geometrically shaped plants poking and goad into each other like deviant . This is a look no one wish except a midget subculture of old man , ordinarily observe in dwarf coniferous tree bon ton , who never seem to tire of gnarl footing like “ adolescent leafage ” as they struggle to name cultivar only micro sliver ’s different from ten others in the very same garden .
The most unnatural thing in the man is when dwarf conifer intermingle . Like tuxedoed banker who wander away from the awards dinner and huddle together when they find themselves surrounded by singular hippies .
Too many dwarf conifer together just seems like the horticultural eq to being on a tedious , crowded elevator to the clinic .
The most unnatural thing in the world is when dwarf conifers intermingle. Like tuxedoed bankers who wandered away from the awards dinner and huddled together when they found themselves surrounded by curious hippies.
Lord have sex I have a ton of flaws , but cowering in the face of an over - planted garden about to wow is n’t one of them . I ’ve got a garage full of tools with very piercing steel and it takes but the pearl of a hat to set off me slashing my way through botany like a crazy - from - the - heat conquistador seeking El Dorado . This happen at least ten times a yr . And I do n’t have an ounce of soupiness anymore for a plant when it can no longer be shear , mounded , cut up , work over , kick , limbed up , or rejuvenated ( ha ! ) into meekness . When a flora no longer pleases me , or , lo , if it should ever battle , bother , or bore me , it quickly transitions to a dais .
It ’s been a officious gardening year . I did a bunch of stuff and most of it in a hurry . On multiple occasions , while hustle through the garden and paying less than full tending to where I was going , a certain perfectly respectable but girthy dwarf conifer ( Picea pungens‘Globosa ’ ) nearly knock my fat nooky off the track . A giving stiff , pettish shove to the side . The first time , sort of funny . The second , not so much . The third , and its 24-hour interval were truly enumerate .
The offending Picea . Looks innocent enough , but very pushful .
Too many dwarf conifers together just seems like the horticultural equivalent to being on a slow, crowded elevator to the clinic.
Last calendar week , the knife finally came out . Now I could have mercifully go out and trim down it off at the ground and been done with it , but I visualize myself something of an artist . First , a minuscule creative pruning to see if I could sculpture it into something risky and cool . So instead of doing other things , I essay doing that . An hour or so of nipping , tucking , gazing , and cursing , and I almost had myself convinced that I had succeeded . A second look a day later , and it was obvious my spruce had zero likeness to the wind swept Monterey cypress look I was imagine . Nope . At best , it resembled a demon cancan professional dancer , wench lift , cruelly let on the world ’s ugliest leg for all to see . Not good . Not in force at all .
Like a cancan terpsichorean from hell .
really , no Sir , I am not . I am not proud of this .
The offending Picea. Looks innocent enough, but very pushy.
So the next clip I ’ve got a redundant minute , or , more potential , some afternoon when I ’m supposed to be doing something else but would rather saw something down , the problem will be finished . It ’s not like there are n’t 400 other plants I would n’t mind trying in that bit . So sometime this saltation I ’ll go out and purchase something and it will have its hazard to thrive in my garden . At least until it gets too big and laggard .
So here are the photos . Judge me all you desire . I do n’t like . I am a very experient gardener . I am also a highly civilise professional who happens to have International Society of Arboriculture arborist certification ( OH-6174A ) . I ’m sure the ISA will be less than thrilled when they see this and will review their membership criteria in a terror , but until I ’m disbarred I ’ll just cue everyone that I at least fleet the trial while the huge majority of you did n’t . And I ’m pay up on dues . So go before and say nasty thing if you require . It wo n’t hurt my flavor . But , if by some fluke that happens , I desire you to know I have an old , insecure , partially blind dog I can take it out on . Just kidding . I ’m blemished , but not that flaw . I ’ll take it out on the African tea .
Like a cancan dancer from hell.
Actually, no Sir, I am not. I am not proud of this.
